So I'm not leaving my desk today

So I'm just sitting here working away on one of my reports, when I feel the need to stretch. I roll out, lean back and and let loose with a long ol' stretch...ahhhhhh feels good.

Then I look down, to readjust the pants, when I notice what looks to be (well I won't say what it looks to be, but more of what I know it to be, but others may percieve it as something entirely different) a bunch of doggie snot slash slobber spots on my black dress pants. Which hey...it happens right.

Thing is one of my doggies has this thing, we call him the nudger. Cuz well he likes to nudge your junk. Boy, girl, young, old, it doesn't really matter, he gets his nose right up in there and well...nudges. A tad embarrassing for his owners. But you know everyone has thier little quirks...it's just one of his.

So needless to say, I have a bunch of slobber slash doggie booger stains on the front crotch area of my pants...and I probably won't be leaving my cube at all today.

Well except to leave of course.

It's ok if you steal a car, if it's from a zombie...

Mr. Vasey and I were given these totally cool watches.

Kinda like magical watches, they would do anything we wanted. But they kinda looked like those calculator watches from my childhood.


Well, we took these watches and decided to get some food....at a strip club. I guess they were having one of those all you can eat buffet's. Once we got to the strip club, this is where all hell breaks loose. Someone had gotten infected with, not the H1N1, but with zombie. So I had to use my super special watch to kill a few of the bastards, Mr. Vasey got some too, then we high tailed it outta there.


There was one more bad guy zombie stalking the front door, (as though there is such a thing of a good guy zombie) trying to catch unassuming innocents coming or going, Mr. Vasey got him. Then we were about to get into our car, when we spied a Viper. I thought to myself "Why should I take my crappy car when I can take this car." Told my watch to unlock the door. I tried the handle and it opened.

I looked back and there was a zombie making his way towards us, I don't know maybe it was his car, but he was in no condition to be driving, so I got behind the wheel. Told my trusty watch to start the car, and the engine came to life. Then I pulled away.

I felt pretty good stealing the car since, I figured the owner would be, if they weren't already turned into a zombie, they would be soon.

Mr. Vasey and I then drove off into the sunset.

Then I must've rolled over and someone thought I was awake, cuz then there was the distinct smell of doggie breath....

Going home

So it has been almost a month since Mr. Vasey, Flaire, Steamers and I returned from our very quick trip back to "The Good Life" ... back to Nebraska.

There are some things that I really miss about my hometown, and about Nebraska in general.

First and foremost there is Runza....

Oh how I love me some Runza

There really is nothing like a Swiss Mushroom Runza with Runza fries and everything dipped in a little tub o' Runza Ranch. Runza seriously has the best freaking Ranch in the entire world. It's a little bit like heaven on earth, I'm sure, actually no I'm positive it's heaven on earth. My mouth is watering just thinking about it....oh Runza how I miss thee.

If you have never had a Runza sandwich, then you need to go to Nebraska and have one. It truly is something that everyone should experience. I won't even go into details about how wonderful a Runza sandwich is becuase honestly I don't think you can handle it. Lets just say that it really should be considered one of the great wonders of the world. Those triangles out in the desert have got nothing on a Swiss Mushroom Runza...nothing.

The second thing about my home town that I especially enjoy is the purple house. It's somewhat of a landmark there.

"Where do you live?" one might say..."Oh just turn left at the purple house...."

Or someone lost, needing directions, "How do you get to the high school?" and once again..."Just turn at the purple house and it's a block down on the left."

We don't know street names, just landmarks...and the purple house is one of the best landmarks in town.

She is a majestic beast...a little weathered with time. But there is nothing cooler than having a purple house in your hometown. Especially a purple house with turquois trim, a psychadelic privacy fence and 2 Dish Network satellites in the front yard....

This is the street I grew up on, the same street that I was declared the street tennis champion, even though I've never really played real tennis. The street I ran across every day, without looking both ways, to get to my best friends house. The street I skinned my knee on learning to ride a bike. I ruled this street...


Ya I know, its really not much of a street.

I also took Mr. Vasey down to the crick. (It's crick not creek in these here parts) There was something I really wanted him to see.

This is the same crick that a few of us would tube down in the summers. When the water was high enough, all these rocks created "rapids" and gave us our thrill. This kind of tubing is not tubing for wussies. Many a teenager, myself included, usually came away with a few abrasions due to slipping off said tube, falling on said rocks and getting pushed downstream. But none of us died, none of us needed rescued...all in good fun. No one got their eyes poked out either.


So I made Mr. Vasey take a little walk with me, while I told him a story about the mystery of the Medicine Creek...

The old folks say that a terrible thing happened here about 70 odd years ago... a bunch of teenagers were down here at the crick 'parking' (if ya know what I mean) when the great earthquake of 1950 happened, I believe it was a 9.0 on the ol Richter Scale, and the earth just crumbled beneath them all and launched them straight into the water... They all perished, under her mighty current, they were helpless. The townspeople left the cars in the exact spot where they fell in. They were too devasted, losing so many young people, and also in rememberance of what happened that terrible night. They also used the wreckage as a lesson to the younger generation, to keep their hands to themselves....


No one is sure how many lost their lives that fateful evening. Some say 50 others say 100.


But legend has it, if you go down to the Medicine late at night you can hear their screams and water splashing as they gulp for air and fight for their lives...


Just kiddin', that's not really what happened...but the truth isn't nearly as exciting. Apparently these cars are there simply to stop or slow down erosion. To make sure the banks of the Medicine Creek don't wear away too much and take over the golf course, which is on the other side. See wasn't my story way better?

After our exhausting hike through the wilderness on the banks of the Medicine Creek, I thought I'd capture the tranquility of our downtown. On a Saturday afternoon, most businesses are closed, which allowed me to have my pick of parking spaces.

I really wish I could've seen Stan the One Man Band....





The main reason for the trip though wasn't to go sightseeing. It was really to celebrate the union of a very special pair. The patriarchs of our family. The people who raised seven children out on a farm south of town, the grandparents to over 20, and great-grandparents to gosh...I really don't know...but it's a lot, more than 20. But they've been together for over 60 years, and still share the love they had as newlyweds back in 1949.


So with our bellies full of my Uncle Roger's prime rib and cheesy potatoes, and a red mustache from drinking too much red drink (Kool-Aid to those of you not as saavy as Mr. Vasey and I) we said good-bye to Nebraski. It was a good trip and of course we'll be back.

Although one other thing worth mentioning is this.

If you ever find yourself driving along Interstate 70 in Kansas, make sure you look to the north.

There are simply hundreds and miles of windmills, and we decided that they change direction with the wind as well, becuase we swore they were facing the other way on the way up to Nebraska.

And they are huge, I kinda wanted to get out and go stand by one but they were pretty far off the highway, and probably a lot further away than one realizes. Plus Mr. Vasey said "no". But they gave us enough tailwind to push us along, back home to Texas.


So there you have it, all the sights and sounds from the heartland. From Nebraska "The Good Life"

I'm not a hick...I'm correct

So I'm back from my big, bad, fly-by-the-night trip to the heartland, to "The Good Life", that's right....Nebraska. (I'll have more on my trip later.)

I was talking to Spanks McDuders last night on the phone, we stayed at her casa in the sprawling metroplex of McCook. (pop. 7,994) She wasn't there for the weekend, she decided to take off to California to visit another friend of ours, so we had the run of the place. On the phone last night she asked me. "Um, so I come home, and my dictionary is out, left open to the 'L's' what's that all about?"

It took me a minute to remember, you see after spending the day with the family on Saturday, Mr. Vasey and I retired to the hacienda de Spanky with an 18 pack of Coors Light. I distinctly remember getting the dictionary out but I couldn't remember what we were looking up...

"The only L word that came to my head, that the two of you would be looking up was lesbian, but it was open to the 'lu' page."

Hmmmm still thinking....no we weren't looking up lesbian, pretty sure we both know what the meaning of that is..."Oh yes!" I told her. It all started coming back to me, "we got into a discussion about accents and how, I don't have an accent becuase I'm from the midwest," and he, Mr. Vasey that is, said that even though I'm from the midwest there are things that I say that are distinctly midwestern. Like how I put the word "right" in strange places in sentences, or I say "pop," and not soda or what the people round here call Coke, even if they want a Pepsi they say Coke (now tell me how intelligent that is?) and how I refer to lunch as lunch, supper as supper and dinner can be either or.

Mr. Vasey was brought up that dinner is always the evening meal. And brought up to believe that is correct way to refer to the evening meal. Referring to it as 'supper' is just country in his opinion.

It actually brings me back to a time when his mother called to ask me over for Christmas Dinner one time....the conversation went something like this.

"So I was wondering if you would like to join us for Christmas dinner?"

"Sure," I say. "Would that be dinner-lunch or dinner-supper?"

She, clearly confused by my question, responds. "Well, dinner-dinner."

Me, clearly confused by her response, had to ask again, "So...like dinner at night or like dinner at noon-time?"

"Well...dinner..." she says.

Finally we get it figured out, she meant dinner, the evening meal....

Well I have always been brought up that dinner was the big meal, or a fancy meal. Lunch is just lunch, you have a samich or maybe a burger or something, but if you have a roast for the noon meal, where the whole family sits down and eats, that's a dinner.

For instance, after mass on Sunday we would have a Sunday dinner, a roast or some other hearty meal, and for supper on those days we would have popcorn and milk...num num...

But there would be occasions where the big, sit down meal would be the evening meal, so instead of it just being a supper of goulash or spaghetti, we would have pork chops, mashed potatoes and gravy or something, that again is a dinner.

Just to be clear breakfast is always breakfast as the morning meal, that is unless its brunch.

So that's the way I've always referred to dinner, the big meal, the sit down meal. And Mr. Vasey thought I was wrong. So we looked it up in the dictionary. And just so that everyone else can be clear. Here are the definitions we found.

Lunch: a light midday meal between breakfast and dinner; luncheon.

Supper: the evening meal, often the principal meal of the day.

Dinner: the main meal of the day, eaten in the evening or at midday.

So there. Never doubt a midwesterner when it comes to issues of speech...

Take that "ya'll" I'm fixin ta open a can o woop ass up in herra.

Water bottles and rearranging furniture...

Mr. Vasey really likes water.
He tells me he drinks water all day...


He take a couple of sips before he goes to bed. He also drinks water at night. Sometimes he'll wake up in the middle of the night and grab a few gulps before he goes pee pee...and in the morning before he gets ready for work...

...He'll grab a few more...

Mr. Vasey also likes to rearrange furniture. But unfortunately the only room left do to much rearranging to is our bedroom...

So we we're once again rearranging the bedroom to make room for a free desk we got off of someone he works with...

This is what we found.


For lack of being more eloquent...we found a shit ton of water bottles under the bed.

"Thankfully," he said, "I just threw a bunch away a few weeks ago too..." Well thank God for small miracles.

Totally Ticked me off 2names....

Alright I have to come out with it already. I’m blazing pissed. Just a little bit…

2names (my dear ol college friend) went to the Blink 182 concert with her younger brother on Sunday night. Monday morning she called me on her way into work as she normally does. I ask her about the concert and what’s the first thing outta her mouth?

“Is Mark gay?”

I’m like “What? Who?”

“Mark, from Blink is he gay?”

“Uh no…where did you hear such a thing?”

“My brother told me that he came out a few years ago, that he is gay,” she says.

“Well I haven’t heard that, and I’m pretty sure I would’ve … I wonder if his wife and kid knows that he’s gay?”

“Well I looked it up on the internet and I saw some stuff that corroborated his statement.”

“Whatever,” is what I’m thinking in my head. First of all, I would know if he was gay. And secondly, don't believe everything you see or hear on the internets.

Now let me set the record straight, it doesn’t really matter if he is gay, well except that he’s been a bit of a crush of mine for well going on 12 years so even though I’m happily married and supposedly he is too, him being gay pretty much totally takes him out of contention, you know ... for my list, you know of famous people I would bang, if you know ... given the chance to bang a famous person your spouse can’t be mad, you know ... if we were ever to meet in a smoky bar or a burrito joint out in San Diego, where he goes to just get a few bean burritos in between writing love songs about some Midwestern girl, (its not as though I've thought at all about how the opportunity might present itself) but beyond that, him being gay is just a bit of a let down … in the hopes of the banging department. I mean I can't take him off the list. Who would I replace him with?

But anyway, he isn’t gay, he is still married … to a woman.

But not only did she try to dash my hopes of the whole bangin’ Mark someday, she also pretty much said that Blink sucks…seriously what is this woman trying to do to me at 7 a.m. on a Monday morning, has she completely lost her ever lovin mind?

“I wasn’t really that impressed,” she’s like. “I’m kinda glad I didn’t spend my own money on the ticket.”

Hmmm, really? I’m thinking “how can she say that?” Does she not remember who she is talking to? Does she not recall the 30 minute video I personally made and sent to MTV to get a chance at being a Blink 182 Fanatic? Does she not remember the people from MTV contacting me and telling me that I was one of three finalists for the first ever live Fanatic Show? Does she not remember my 30 secs of fame on MTV? Or the hoops I and a friend had to jump through to get me to my first Blink 182 concert because she was being a bitch and left me. (there is a drama filled back story to her leaving me, might have to do with me and two others up and moving out on Niner but that’s beside the point). I own every CD damn near, I have 2 of their video releases, got the book, I follow them on Twitter, I wore black and pink on the day it was announced they were going on a hiatus, also on the day that Mark got married (that day was also a day I deemed for mourning) and I’ve been to their shows at least 3 times and she has the nerve to tell me it basically sucked.

“Ya, if you don’t have a lot of money to spend, I wouldn’t get a ticket when they come to Dallas,” she says. “I mean I don’t remember Tom being so whiney when he sings. And the dick jokes got a little old. I mean I laughed at some of them, but I don’t know….I was just more impressed with the Greenday concert I guess.”

Um…hate to break it to ya 2names but that is how they roll. Tom is whiney, always has been always will be, some nights its worse than others, but its something I’m able to overlook. Dick jokes? What did you expect? This is Blink 182 their adolescent humor is part of their charm for me. I get a kick out of it. But then again I am the 13 year-old boy stuck inside the body of a 30-something woman.

She did try to smooth things over and say it might also have had to do with the venue as to why she didn’t like it….again I say ‘whatever.’



I seriously don’t know who she thinks she is, bad mouthing my boys like that. She can no longer call herself a fan…We should give her a good ol fashioned flogging or something. She obviously doesn’t deserve the right to enjoy a Blink show, and should be punished for such blasphemous remarks. Don't let that smiling face fool ya, this woman is pure evil.

Sound advice....

And I've always believed its good sometimes to go ahead and laugh at yourself every once in a while. Shoot if I didn't laugh at my own jokes sometimes, no one would.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned how much I love popcorn. But I do. I truly do. I'm pretty sure I ate this piece, even though it was almost shoved up my nose.

Have a good day everyone.