I don't believe we are alone. No one is.
I just can't fathom that this is all there is.
I can't sit here and tell you that they don't already walk among us. Because I believe they do. Maybe not in the sense that some without thought believe they walk. But they are there.
If we look around, if we open our eyes, it is blatently obvious. They can be the ones that maybe make you shake your head and smile. They could be that person who seems to be able to amazing things, or there are those that have some sort of attraction where people are just drawn to them, it could be them, it could be amazing people. But no matter what they are alien to the majority. I believe there is a little bit of them in each and every one of us, or there can be if we want it to be.
I don't think I will ever quit dreaming when I'm awake, as I can nver remember the ones I have when I'm asleep. And what is life without dreams? Sometimes I wish I could live in that state forever, forever in a dream so long as you never knew you were dreaming. (Vanilla Sky...great movie)
I'm really not crazy, though I feel like I am sometimes. As though some chemical imbalance has made me believe so fervently, because its really hard to always keep wanting more, I'm ansy I can't stay in one place for too long, always looking for something more. Its like I know they are there, just on the other side. Waiting for me to find them.(just felt like rambling a little exercise)
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
The worst and the best
PW (http://thepioneerwoman.com/confessions/) got me thinking the other day.
She asked, what was our worst year in school? And for me by far my worst year was my Freshman year in high school. I'm sure I had some awkward days before Freshman year, but that is the one year that sticks out in my head.
Probably, unfortunately I will never forget it, sucks because I'm so far removed from that year, and I have had some bad years at school, specially later on in college, the year of the fire is one that well lets just say, A. I will never live that year down, and B. what doesn't kill us, or make us commit suicide, only makes us stronger.
Let me first just say, looking back, I neither loved nor loathed highschool. It is what it is or was what it was rather. I don't have any desire to go back to that time in my life, don't want to relive it and I definately would not do anything differently.
I believe that translates into my complete disregard and absence at any highschool reunion from now until eternity. To put it bluntly I don't want to go back. As someone once said, "They were the best of times and they were the worst of times."
Frankly if my parents didn't live in That Town, I would probably never even step foot inside the city limits ever again. That place made me who I am, but there were definately times when who I was was not who I wanted to be. And I struggled with life on the outside, I guess because, in That Town, we all lived in some sort of a bubble, somewhat oblivious of how hard it could be on your own, making decisions that affected your life and self esteem and those around you. Its not that I hate That Town, don't get me wrong, I will always harbor a love for the place, I have so many great memories, that I could never hate it, it also became a place to run away to, to escape the outside. Because things there just run at a different pace, if you can handle the looks and the stares and the inevitable gossip, it really is a safe harbor, well what it is, is that That Town, unfortunately will always be Home.
So the worst year there, would, like I said, have to be my freshman year. The whole year wasn't bad mind you, really just about 2 months of the year were really bad. It all started during basketball season. And really only once I was chosen as one of 3 alternates on the varsity basketball team. Being on varsity was a pretty big deal. We had about 30 girls out for basketball and only 12 made varsity, and what would also turn out to be a free trip to the State Basketball Championship in Lincoln, Ne.
For some odd reason I guess, some of the girls on the team didn't think I deserved to make it on varsity. Or they thought I played too rough and didn't like getting knocked around a little during practice. Well you practice like you play, the harder I try the better it makes you, in my opinion. And frankly that toughness and hard work is what probably got me on varsity. But I digress....so they started to make up names and rumors about me.
First they started calling me Fatty Patty, though I didn't even know they were talking about me at first. They would write on the chalk board in the locker room "Nick nack Fatty Pat, give the dog a bone. That ol hog came rolling home...." And then also something about calling me AA, or Double A. Because they called the short girl in our class Big A, they thought she was annoying, so they called me AA or Double A because I was even more annoying and I was twice her size. (she really was pretty short)
Then once we did make it to State, I was chosen to go as an alternate. I wouldn't suit up, unless someone got hurt and couldn't play, but be more of a student manager. The other 2 alternates actually suited up, so then I was deamed the last alternate. But "they" (the girls in my class or the girls on the team) started the rumor that the only reason I was going was because my father talked to the coach. Which wasn't true. I was so frustrated with the rumors I went to the coach myself and told him that I only wanted to go, if he felt I deserved to go, not because my Dad may or may not have talked to him. He assured me, that as an alternate for most of the season, I deserved to go and be with the team. So I went, we won. And I got a gold medal, even though I didn't play in the whole state tournament. I don't care...I deserved that medal.
And that was that, after state, everyone forgot about calling me Fat Pat, we were all on to track season and actually that's where I got my first real nickname. It started out with "Phillips" but then got shortened to "Phil". And what I loved about it, was when they called my name during the starting lineup for games....people would say it like they did on "Cheers" with Norm...it was awesome.
And frankly every year after was great. Had your normal drama and a few ups and downs, but nothing like that. And by the time I was a senior, it was almost like being on top of the world. It was easy.
I was having a conversation with a friend about going back for highschool reunions and I told her, that I have no desire to go back for one, and I guess I was making fun of her for wanting to go to hers. Specially since she lived basically in the same town, she really never left, still hangs out with a bunch of people that she graduated with.
She told me, "Just because your highschool career sucked doesn't mean everyone's did."
And I laughed, I said "My highschool career was the furthest thing from sucking. Those four years, were all pretty successful. I was homecoming royalty, a cheelearder, a three sport letterwinner, and a 4 time state champion, my highschool didn't suck. I don't talk about it much. I just don't want to relive it."
In my opinion, most of the time people go back to those reunions just to see how much better their life is than those of their classmates and to brag about how great their life is. Frankly I don't care. I see it as this, with most of those people I was almost forced to be friends with them, I had no other choice. Either be friends with thise 40 people or be alone. It was that way for all of us. Sure, I bet there are some relationships that have endured, but I would say those are few and far between. I even still have a few, but its just a part of growing up I suppose.
Actually I don't think I would want to relive any period of my life. I can't change anything, for it all has made me who I am.
And I've found with age, I'm getting more stubborn, argumentative and also laid back.
And someday, I'll won't be scared of my own mother.
She asked, what was our worst year in school? And for me by far my worst year was my Freshman year in high school. I'm sure I had some awkward days before Freshman year, but that is the one year that sticks out in my head.
Probably, unfortunately I will never forget it, sucks because I'm so far removed from that year, and I have had some bad years at school, specially later on in college, the year of the fire is one that well lets just say, A. I will never live that year down, and B. what doesn't kill us, or make us commit suicide, only makes us stronger.
Let me first just say, looking back, I neither loved nor loathed highschool. It is what it is or was what it was rather. I don't have any desire to go back to that time in my life, don't want to relive it and I definately would not do anything differently.
I believe that translates into my complete disregard and absence at any highschool reunion from now until eternity. To put it bluntly I don't want to go back. As someone once said, "They were the best of times and they were the worst of times."
Frankly if my parents didn't live in That Town, I would probably never even step foot inside the city limits ever again. That place made me who I am, but there were definately times when who I was was not who I wanted to be. And I struggled with life on the outside, I guess because, in That Town, we all lived in some sort of a bubble, somewhat oblivious of how hard it could be on your own, making decisions that affected your life and self esteem and those around you. Its not that I hate That Town, don't get me wrong, I will always harbor a love for the place, I have so many great memories, that I could never hate it, it also became a place to run away to, to escape the outside. Because things there just run at a different pace, if you can handle the looks and the stares and the inevitable gossip, it really is a safe harbor, well what it is, is that That Town, unfortunately will always be Home.
So the worst year there, would, like I said, have to be my freshman year. The whole year wasn't bad mind you, really just about 2 months of the year were really bad. It all started during basketball season. And really only once I was chosen as one of 3 alternates on the varsity basketball team. Being on varsity was a pretty big deal. We had about 30 girls out for basketball and only 12 made varsity, and what would also turn out to be a free trip to the State Basketball Championship in Lincoln, Ne.
For some odd reason I guess, some of the girls on the team didn't think I deserved to make it on varsity. Or they thought I played too rough and didn't like getting knocked around a little during practice. Well you practice like you play, the harder I try the better it makes you, in my opinion. And frankly that toughness and hard work is what probably got me on varsity. But I digress....so they started to make up names and rumors about me.
First they started calling me Fatty Patty, though I didn't even know they were talking about me at first. They would write on the chalk board in the locker room "Nick nack Fatty Pat, give the dog a bone. That ol hog came rolling home...." And then also something about calling me AA, or Double A. Because they called the short girl in our class Big A, they thought she was annoying, so they called me AA or Double A because I was even more annoying and I was twice her size. (she really was pretty short)
Then once we did make it to State, I was chosen to go as an alternate. I wouldn't suit up, unless someone got hurt and couldn't play, but be more of a student manager. The other 2 alternates actually suited up, so then I was deamed the last alternate. But "they" (the girls in my class or the girls on the team) started the rumor that the only reason I was going was because my father talked to the coach. Which wasn't true. I was so frustrated with the rumors I went to the coach myself and told him that I only wanted to go, if he felt I deserved to go, not because my Dad may or may not have talked to him. He assured me, that as an alternate for most of the season, I deserved to go and be with the team. So I went, we won. And I got a gold medal, even though I didn't play in the whole state tournament. I don't care...I deserved that medal.
And that was that, after state, everyone forgot about calling me Fat Pat, we were all on to track season and actually that's where I got my first real nickname. It started out with "Phillips" but then got shortened to "Phil". And what I loved about it, was when they called my name during the starting lineup for games....people would say it like they did on "Cheers" with Norm...it was awesome.
And frankly every year after was great. Had your normal drama and a few ups and downs, but nothing like that. And by the time I was a senior, it was almost like being on top of the world. It was easy.
I was having a conversation with a friend about going back for highschool reunions and I told her, that I have no desire to go back for one, and I guess I was making fun of her for wanting to go to hers. Specially since she lived basically in the same town, she really never left, still hangs out with a bunch of people that she graduated with.
She told me, "Just because your highschool career sucked doesn't mean everyone's did."
And I laughed, I said "My highschool career was the furthest thing from sucking. Those four years, were all pretty successful. I was homecoming royalty, a cheelearder, a three sport letterwinner, and a 4 time state champion, my highschool didn't suck. I don't talk about it much. I just don't want to relive it."
In my opinion, most of the time people go back to those reunions just to see how much better their life is than those of their classmates and to brag about how great their life is. Frankly I don't care. I see it as this, with most of those people I was almost forced to be friends with them, I had no other choice. Either be friends with thise 40 people or be alone. It was that way for all of us. Sure, I bet there are some relationships that have endured, but I would say those are few and far between. I even still have a few, but its just a part of growing up I suppose.
Actually I don't think I would want to relive any period of my life. I can't change anything, for it all has made me who I am.
And I've found with age, I'm getting more stubborn, argumentative and also laid back.
And someday, I'll won't be scared of my own mother.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Christmas Stories
So Monday was my first day back at work, after only working 1 day between Dec. 23 and Jan. 5.
So naturally, I was blessed with not seeing people for a long time. Well then Monday rolls around, and I'm sad to be in my cubical and not lounging on my couch in my comfy pants, trying to decide what bowl game I want to watch.
Typically if I stay in my cube, headphones on, I can make it all day without saying much more than "Hello" a few times during the day. Well things were going pretty good, till about 2 p.m. when Bittie decides to rear her big ol head into my cube opening and say "Hello" I exchange the same pleasantry back and turn my head back to my computer screen, seemingly absorbed in my work and my music.
But evidently that wasn't enough for her. She started to tell me how she had the greatest time this holiday season and she didn't even spend any time with her family. Great that's awesome, I replied. She asked me about my holiday and I told her it was nice and relaxing. Hoping she'd be on her merry way, but not so much.
She plopped herself down in my chair, I knew then I was doomed, and she started to explain in great detail about what she did during her whole break. (I'm thinking "seriously, don't you have work to do?")
And she keeps rambling on about eating Chinese food, and playing some card game till 4 a.m. and then getting together to play the card game again a few days later becuase it was so much fun the first time. Too bad telling me that wasn't as much fun the first time I heard it too. (Side note, it wasn't very fun to hear about)
So she carried on for a good 30 mins about her activities, and then another 10-15 mins about how she needs another house that she can have that is clean becuase her current house is cluttered with Christmas and her hobbies. She also tells me about her hobby of decorating tiles. What people do with these tiles I have no idea...
Man why do I get stuck with these stories. Nobody else does this to me. If I cared, I'd ask, I don't need the play by play. Maybe I just hate people...or most people. Or maybe just Bittie...ahhhhh but hate is such a nasty word, I don't hate her, just annoyed by her and people, maybe I should just live in a world of my own.
Well I might just get crazy enough, in my mind I will.
UPDATE: Ok...Its 1:33 p.m. on FRIDAY. And I can hear her telling the same story to one of my cubby buddies. He seems to be just as amused as I was. Its been 4 days and she is still talking about that damn card game. Must've been a fun game. Gonna have to find out the rules of this game, maybe me and the Ol Hubby can play, spice up our home life a little bit.
So naturally, I was blessed with not seeing people for a long time. Well then Monday rolls around, and I'm sad to be in my cubical and not lounging on my couch in my comfy pants, trying to decide what bowl game I want to watch.
Typically if I stay in my cube, headphones on, I can make it all day without saying much more than "Hello" a few times during the day. Well things were going pretty good, till about 2 p.m. when Bittie decides to rear her big ol head into my cube opening and say "Hello" I exchange the same pleasantry back and turn my head back to my computer screen, seemingly absorbed in my work and my music.
But evidently that wasn't enough for her. She started to tell me how she had the greatest time this holiday season and she didn't even spend any time with her family. Great that's awesome, I replied. She asked me about my holiday and I told her it was nice and relaxing. Hoping she'd be on her merry way, but not so much.
She plopped herself down in my chair, I knew then I was doomed, and she started to explain in great detail about what she did during her whole break. (I'm thinking "seriously, don't you have work to do?")
And she keeps rambling on about eating Chinese food, and playing some card game till 4 a.m. and then getting together to play the card game again a few days later becuase it was so much fun the first time. Too bad telling me that wasn't as much fun the first time I heard it too. (Side note, it wasn't very fun to hear about)
So she carried on for a good 30 mins about her activities, and then another 10-15 mins about how she needs another house that she can have that is clean becuase her current house is cluttered with Christmas and her hobbies. She also tells me about her hobby of decorating tiles. What people do with these tiles I have no idea...
Man why do I get stuck with these stories. Nobody else does this to me. If I cared, I'd ask, I don't need the play by play. Maybe I just hate people...or most people. Or maybe just Bittie...ahhhhh but hate is such a nasty word, I don't hate her, just annoyed by her and people, maybe I should just live in a world of my own.
Well I might just get crazy enough, in my mind I will.
UPDATE: Ok...Its 1:33 p.m. on FRIDAY. And I can hear her telling the same story to one of my cubby buddies. He seems to be just as amused as I was. Its been 4 days and she is still talking about that damn card game. Must've been a fun game. Gonna have to find out the rules of this game, maybe me and the Ol Hubby can play, spice up our home life a little bit.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Holy Canoli!
Man I just realized I hadn't posted in a while, and then I felt a little twinge of guilt. Don't worry the feeling passed quickly. Just like my farts...
I guess it's because I've been busy at work, I would not suggest anyone learn Access.
It sucks ass. I've been working on building a database and then going back and entering in data, then exporting said data and formatting it for the past 2 months. Ugh!
I'm almost done, but still a ways to go. Maybe someday I'll get back to not having anything to do at work but surf the web and email my friends. Oh those were the days.
And the holidays are over, next paid vacation day is Memorial Day.
Man that sucks.
I guess it's because I've been busy at work, I would not suggest anyone learn Access.
It sucks ass. I've been working on building a database and then going back and entering in data, then exporting said data and formatting it for the past 2 months. Ugh!
I'm almost done, but still a ways to go. Maybe someday I'll get back to not having anything to do at work but surf the web and email my friends. Oh those were the days.
And the holidays are over, next paid vacation day is Memorial Day.
Man that sucks.
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